Right now

Me, self-portrait.
I’ve learned a lot this past year. The big lesson I keep coming back to is very simple and very difficult: be here, right now (much like the cheesy Van Halen song, yes). I’m just as much of a thinker (read: woolgatherer) as I used to be, but I’ve learned a hell of a lot about letting go of all that and returning to the moment. It really makes a huge difference. The old habits still hang around, waiting to return, until something reminds me (the shape of a building, a little girl, the words of my therapist) that worry gets you nowhere. This was especially hard to remember when Beth and I broke up. Before and after it happened, I was falling down the same old slope, badgering it from any angle I could think of, desperately doubtful. But once it’s done, it’s done, and I managed to put away the worry. Being away in Houston really helped to keep my mind off it. And the other day I said to my parents, “you do all the real processing right when it happens. Right now, I could keep mulling over what I learned in the first two hours, or I could let it all go and wait for the realizations that come after two months or more.” It’s still hard, but I’m finally taking my brother’s advice: not to dwell on my pain.

Happy New Year to you all. I’ll take this false milestone and make it meaningful. I am thankful; I am loved. Thank you. I’m gonna do even better next year. I leave you with a wiggling dog and mom, and a bit of Confucius. Refresh the page to see them wiggle again.

Mom and Buddy

Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families. Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in their thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge. (From The Great Learning.)

2 Responses to “Right now”

  1. yatesy Says:

    hey dan,

    hang in there. it’s so easy to examine everything in your head until it drives you insane. the only thing that will make you feel better, unfortunately, is time and, well, time. it’s easy to say to not flog yourself over it, but don’t.

    it seems, from your blog, that you’re a funny and smart guy. just keep at it (and your pretty cute too, so thats a plus) and keep your mind off it if you can. life is pretty fucked up sometimes but the good part is that it does get better at some point. sometimes when you least expect it.

  2. Balaji Says:

    I have always been fascinated by your header: “danwinckler: writing my name in water”. To me it symbolizes the inconstancy of life contrasted to the permanence of a person’s name.

    It?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ¥s hard to stay silent and not lend a word of comfort when one shares his/her pain. Pain is real, but temporary. Have a great 2005 and thanks for sharing Confucius.